Too hot!

Because sometimes it's good to stand and stare into your fridge like an empty, bottomless, pit of entertainment. Eating cherry tomatoes and itching your foot on the floor. Whilst thinking random thoughts that are often dirty but sometimes not. Your high as fuck, but you still feel low. You reach your foot back to close the fridge but instead kick your cat in her side. She reacts dramatically by lying down as if being deflated. I know she's not hurt, but she is as dramatic as her mother. So she's going to play it up. Instead of caring on my day of nothingness, upstairs, I now sit on the floor intrigued by my cat. I think to myself what is cat? Deep question for someone as high as myself. And in that very moment my cat looks deeply inside of me as if asking herself 'what is human'? We share this moment, her and I,  just asking ourselves what is? Eventually we both came to the conclusion that we are getting a little too gay and went our own separate ways. Today's a hot day! It's too hot to be dressed, too hot to move, too hot to breathe. My air conditioner is not and it seems like my fridge is only working subpar. Why am I writing this you ask? Because it's too hot to do anything else.

Depressed is the new black

Dare I look at myself in the glass to view, what a mess I have turned into? I look and see a figure that could be me, and I must confess that down and depressed fits me best. Dark and alone in this big cold home, that was once my castle,tall and full of laughter. After some time it was no long sublime and depression became my captor. He grabbed me up and my crown fell to the ground, then without my permission my castle became my prison. No matter what people do or say I cannot seem to get away. Encouraging words and genuine love is out there but, mean, twisted, harsh words is all I hear in my mind. I am afraid that some day the sadness wont leave and I will never return to me. Instead of looking for help, I sit alone with myself. Weak and frail, ugly and vile, worthless and broken, thoughts that I start to believe in. There was once happiness and confidence, now replaced with hate and loneliness. Eventually the depression cycle will end and I will return to me again.

Settling. . . From the inside

I am scared that I won't find someone who will be everything I want and that will see me as everything they want. Relationships take time and I get that, but I am tired of the heart wrenching feeling I get when I know I am yet again not going to work out with my lover and if I do it's because I have settled.

Reason for settling. I am crazy in all sorts of manners and the lack there of, smart(smart ass, thinks I am smart, smart alic, smarty marty)' sexually sexy in a sexy way, wanting to be needy but too tough to let too much of it show, yet still as demanding of attention as a new kitten, and insecure of myself worth. Thus I do the open up and rip off the mask routine and because my personality is a cavernous labyrinth of excitement and dismay along with screaming cry ing fucking and laughing I am a whirlwind of 'holy shit what the fuck' said in many different fashions good, bad, and otherwise. Because of this and my very much Martyness(Marty is my nickname) I settle for fear I won't find another that will, as I precise it, tolerate me. Thus being alone with ALL of me and of cores my pets.

My thoughts...

From chaos to sanity

My mind wonders from the depths of chaos to the edge of sanity.

I can do nothing but hope that the journey helps me develop myself further as a whole.

The many pieces that make up the mosaic that is Martha is a jumbles mess of the happy, sad, mad, glad, terribly, horrifically, wonderful mayhem that is I.