Settling. . . From the inside

I am scared that I won't find someone who will be everything I want and that will see me as everything they want. Relationships take time and I get that, but I am tired of the heart wrenching feeling I get when I know I am yet again not going to work out with my lover and if I do it's because I have settled.

Reason for settling. I am crazy in all sorts of manners and the lack there of, smart(smart ass, thinks I am smart, smart alic, smarty marty)' sexually sexy in a sexy way, wanting to be needy but too tough to let too much of it show, yet still as demanding of attention as a new kitten, and insecure of myself worth. Thus I do the open up and rip off the mask routine and because my personality is a cavernous labyrinth of excitement and dismay along with screaming cry ing fucking and laughing I am a whirlwind of 'holy shit what the fuck' said in many different fashions good, bad, and otherwise. Because of this and my very much Martyness(Marty is my nickname) I settle for fear I won't find another that will, as I precise it, tolerate me. Thus being alone with ALL of me and of cores my pets.

My thoughts...

Sweet sleep how I yearn for the

I am transfixed by my never shutting third eye mind. Oh how it taunts me when I yearn for the peace of sleep. It looks onward ever fixating on things too complex for me to just brush off, thus forced to work out the problem to earn my prized peace and rest where my mind will continue to wonder as it does. Such a mischievous and masochistic thing it is. The pain brought on by not only the lack of sleep but the imagery and unsolvable problems it stumbles upon in the dark crevasse of its dark demented domain. Complex and dense with trap doors and stairways to nowhere. I don't dare wonder my mind with out a plan for fear of never returning. The best I can do is let my mind work itself out and hope I am allowed rest before the sun rises.

From chaos to sanity

My mind wonders from the depths of chaos to the edge of sanity.

I can do nothing but hope that the journey helps me develop myself further as a whole.

The many pieces that make up the mosaic that is Martha is a jumbles mess of the happy, sad, mad, glad, terribly, horrifically, wonderful mayhem that is I.