Settling. . . From the inside

I am scared that I won't find someone who will be everything I want and that will see me as everything they want. Relationships take time and I get that, but I am tired of the heart wrenching feeling I get when I know I am yet again not going to work out with my lover and if I do it's because I have settled.

Reason for settling. I am crazy in all sorts of manners and the lack there of, smart(smart ass, thinks I am smart, smart alic, smarty marty)' sexually sexy in a sexy way, wanting to be needy but too tough to let too much of it show, yet still as demanding of attention as a new kitten, and insecure of myself worth. Thus I do the open up and rip off the mask routine and because my personality is a cavernous labyrinth of excitement and dismay along with screaming cry ing fucking and laughing I am a whirlwind of 'holy shit what the fuck' said in many different fashions good, bad, and otherwise. Because of this and my very much Martyness(Marty is my nickname) I settle for fear I won't find another that will, as I precise it, tolerate me. Thus being alone with ALL of me and of cores my pets.

My thoughts...

Drugs VS Hugs

This very morning I was pulled over and clearly stoned. When the officer asked me if I was intoxicated I replied " I choose drugs over hugs, because hugs lead to sex and sex leads to aids and aids is for life and drugs only last a few hours." The officer looked stunned and proceeded to gave me a verbal warning to not get cought again, because most of the force would not appreciate my attempt at educated humor and I would end up in jail for acting smart, being smart and doing drugs.

Non of this is true it's just funny. 

What's this thought formed in the shape of a questionable idea? Tis Curiosity.

The purest form of query is that developed by one who is not restrained by the forces of the outside world, cult mass, known as society. Yet instead, intrigued by forcing the limits of comfortable living and charging with great force that which society calls order. They are not afraid to unveil the treasures within the mangled mess of confusion that is ones true self, rather than idle by like a stoic imbecile. Their purpose is not, for they are not that vain, but yet instead because society has devolved past courteousness, is seen as insane. One man's trash, is this man says, the ever popular populous of presumptuous pinheads. The only time civilization will give you, is the ever uncivil Time Of Death. You speak too loud, you act too proud and you'll never be better than the we that is society.

I would Live in the shadows, but I am afraid of the dark.