Lost (Journal for class)

*****The assignment is to wright about a time when you felt lost. Any time

Lost is something I have felt, and or have been all my life. My six sinces were defined at a young age as acutely queer. By six sinces I mean see, smell, tast, feel, hear, and think. I have always been an old soul with new age ideals and my own unique flare. This made it even hard for my hippie drug addict parents to accept me. I was too mature for my peers and too childish for the adults. No one would give me the time of day and there was never enough time in the day to explain to people who I am. I am even lost in my own thoughts now trying to tell you how lost I am. . .

Settling. . . From the inside

I am scared that I won't find someone who will be everything I want and that will see me as everything they want. Relationships take time and I get that, but I am tired of the heart wrenching feeling I get when I know I am yet again not going to work out with my lover and if I do it's because I have settled.

Reason for settling. I am crazy in all sorts of manners and the lack there of, smart(smart ass, thinks I am smart, smart alic, smarty marty)' sexually sexy in a sexy way, wanting to be needy but too tough to let too much of it show, yet still as demanding of attention as a new kitten, and insecure of myself worth. Thus I do the open up and rip off the mask routine and because my personality is a cavernous labyrinth of excitement and dismay along with screaming cry ing fucking and laughing I am a whirlwind of 'holy shit what the fuck' said in many different fashions good, bad, and otherwise. Because of this and my very much Martyness(Marty is my nickname) I settle for fear I won't find another that will, as I precise it, tolerate me. Thus being alone with ALL of me and of cores my pets.

My thoughts...

Sweet sleep how I yearn for the

I am transfixed by my never shutting third eye mind. Oh how it taunts me when I yearn for the peace of sleep. It looks onward ever fixating on things too complex for me to just brush off, thus forced to work out the problem to earn my prized peace and rest where my mind will continue to wonder as it does. Such a mischievous and masochistic thing it is. The pain brought on by not only the lack of sleep but the imagery and unsolvable problems it stumbles upon in the dark crevasse of its dark demented domain. Complex and dense with trap doors and stairways to nowhere. I don't dare wonder my mind with out a plan for fear of never returning. The best I can do is let my mind work itself out and hope I am allowed rest before the sun rises.

The vast reality of uncertainty makes my rebellion more raw and honest.

Who are you to judge me? I am but you, but, white, female, short, younger, older, what have you but, you all the same. Just looking for answers in a vast sea of questions that will never be directly answered to my face by The Man or really any ONE who feels they have been anointed with the ability to tell me what it is that they think that I am doing that is so wrong. Shit, no one can directly define what wrong is because they are so afraid of being wrong. Lord, he the inanimate object, is the only one to truly know the 'true' wrong from right. So, I will continue to find out for myself what it means to be good and bad, good and evil, or wrong and right. After all, I am the only one who has to live with the decisions I have made for myself. When all is said and done everyone can banish me like a leper and I can die alone like I so yearn for, but not really. Even the most introverted person seeks friendship sometime. 

Shocking ones conscience and forcing your uneasiness onto others.

How can someone tell me I have embarrassed myself? I mean, sure I might act out and not get the results I was hoping for, but that just means I have experienced an unsuccessful reaction to my actions. Yet, go back to, how can someone tell me I have embarrassed myself? How does one know if the reaction that comes forth from my actions is not exactly what I wanted? 

Drugs VS Hugs

This very morning I was pulled over and clearly stoned. When the officer asked me if I was intoxicated I replied " I choose drugs over hugs, because hugs lead to sex and sex leads to aids and aids is for life and drugs only last a few hours." The officer looked stunned and proceeded to gave me a verbal warning to not get cought again, because most of the force would not appreciate my attempt at educated humor and I would end up in jail for acting smart, being smart and doing drugs.

Non of this is true it's just funny. 

What's this thought formed in the shape of a questionable idea? Tis Curiosity.

The purest form of query is that developed by one who is not restrained by the forces of the outside world, cult mass, known as society. Yet instead, intrigued by forcing the limits of comfortable living and charging with great force that which society calls order. They are not afraid to unveil the treasures within the mangled mess of confusion that is ones true self, rather than idle by like a stoic imbecile. Their purpose is not, for they are not that vain, but yet instead because society has devolved past courteousness, is seen as insane. One man's trash, is this man says, the ever popular populous of presumptuous pinheads. The only time civilization will give you, is the ever uncivil Time Of Death. You speak too loud, you act too proud and you'll never be better than the we that is society.

I would Live in the shadows, but I am afraid of the dark.

From chaos to sanity

My mind wonders from the depths of chaos to the edge of sanity.

I can do nothing but hope that the journey helps me develop myself further as a whole.

The many pieces that make up the mosaic that is Martha is a jumbles mess of the happy, sad, mad, glad, terribly, horrifically, wonderful mayhem that is I.

Oh the stupidity of me....

So, my prior pathetic post regarding pleading for comments and whatnot was how do I say this? A bit rushed, for I had not respectfully checked my settings before posting. It was like raw dogging a random. For those of you who do not know what that means that's fucking random person without a condom, it's really stupid. After further review as of a minute ago, I fixed my issue of not having and/or allowing people to comments that were not avid readers and/or followers of my blog. I feel like I use 'and or' too much, but fuck it. So there could've been millions, well not millions but tens of comments that I could've gotten, but didn't because of my flaw. I apologize, sorry. Thank you for your time sorry for being stupid feel free to comment now, and if it doesn't work now the universe hates me or you or both. Thanks Obama.

Sunny Marty Real estate Marketing!

Sunny Marty Real estate Marketing.

Depending on the day she will choose who to lay with and play with and
LOVE
It is a liquid thing that is ever changing. It and you will never be the same after.
 As for thous who can't  understand or play its quite a shame.
People no matter there age or personality can be perfect for her as long as she can see them belonging completely to her.
 After all she cant wait to give them "all" of her time.
Just be cautious, cause seeing is done not with the eyes but with the mind.
For it is more AND less kind, because it does not see the same lies.

Passerby's determination of me when I am dressed up in this dressed down dreadful dairy state of stupidity...

All dressed up like a stupid little slut!

Look at her luscious red lips, just begging to be bit and kissed.

She wears her clothes taut so you know how she likes to be grabbed and clutched.

Lest we forget that string of cheap pearls around her neck, says she likes when you choke her until her whore blue eyes water.

And those tights so tight across that ass and what an ass it is. Perfect to slap and spank and kiss and bite and fuck.

Oh that dirty little cunt!

Strut my way in your high heels of coquette confidence, so I can give you what you are showing everyone you obviously want.